More than enough

Seasons of Life and Music

2011-08-06T18:33:00.002-05:00

Somehow, my collection of music has changed very little over the past decade. This thought is somewhat surprising to me, considering how important music is to me. Anyway, while my love of Eurobeat music has been consistent, I've noticed that my selections of "Christian" music (from my mostly fixed library) have shifted over the years. For instance, early on I was a huge fan of Skillet; mostly this was due to their sound, but also due to resonance with lyrics in many of their songs indicating a desire for to be changed radically. As I grew deeper in Christ, though, these songs lost their meaning to me; I already saw the change I had desired. I picked up on The Benjamin Gate originally because of their unique sound, but the deep lyrics drew my attention; since, my fondness has not abated. I ended up with a lot of Jaci Velasquez, somehow, about half of it was probably Christmas presents. I thought it was decent music, but very poppy and seemingly superficial. It's funny, then, that I'm drawn to it so much now because though simple, many songs deeply resonate with me. Newsboys was always fun and a bit odd, but more recently I can't stand the raucous superficiality of most of their songs. P.O.D. has been fairly constant, but then it is somewhat lacking in "message." DC Talk has been a minor player for me this decade, but has recently seen a resurgence, probably due to a general reminiscence that brought back old secular artists. I've also noticed changes of opinions about various songs from old sampler CDs.

I really need to do this blog thing more often...

The power of brokenness

2010-02-14T14:48:00.002-06:00

(or All I need is you, Lord II)

It's funny how time reveals new things that you've known for a long time but didn't realize it. Or maybe you did and forgot . . .

I've been thinking about this a lot, lately. How we build up these walls so easily. Walls painted with pictures we want others to see. Walls of pride. Walls of confidence in ourselves. How these walls block out God's voice. How they (we) need to be broken to hear God. How blessed it is to be in a place where you're constantly stretched and broken. How easily, naturally, and habitually we build these walls. How can we live leaning on God while we're leaning on our wall? How I want to live broken but how I dread a fall. Sometimes, all it takes is the right song; the resonance shatters the wall. Sometimes, the right picture. Other times, the right story. Even so, eventually we grow callous and need new songs, pictures, stories. I want to hear God, but I keep building these walls.

The fullness of time

2009-12-20T12:57:00.002-06:00

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. -- Genesis 1:1

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness... -- Genesis 1:26

There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in the flames of fire from within a bush -- Exodus 3:2a

By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light... -- Exodus 13:21

See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared. Pay attention to him and listen to what he says. Do not rebel against him; he will not forgive your rebellion, since my Name is in him. -- Exodus 23:21-21

The angel of the Lord went up from Gilgal to Bokim and said, "I brought you up out of Egypt and led you into the land that I swore to give to your forefathers. I said, 'I will never break my covenant with you, and you shall not make a covenant with the people of this land, but you shall break down their altars.' Yet you have disobeyed me. Why have you done this? -- Judges 2:1-2

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn -- Luke 2:6-7

Many scholars believe that before his birth as Jesus, God the Son appeared many times to men. While God the Father exists outside of time, Jesus clearly existed within time, and from all I know of the bible I believe that he has since time began. So then, God the Son himself guided and struggled with the wayward Israelites for more than a thousand years. How he must have yearned for the time when he would live among them to show them the way to live. How he must have yearned to finally free man from the curse of sin. This is the meaning I now find in Christmas.

Holiness is calling, in the midst of calling fame

2009-03-19T23:51:00.003-05:00

So right now, I am really struggling to prioritize God's will over efforts to bask in and preserve my fame. "Jay? Famous?" you may ask, but among a certain group of people that play the same MMORPG I do, I have celebrity status. I've been asked out to basicly get a free ride in groups because I am who I am. And it seems that this fame infects every waking moment. I'm constantly checking to see what people are saying about my work and constantly thinking about work I can do to make people love me more. And I don't have time for this. I have to move by the end of the month and I've barely started organizing. I can clearly see that this is self-destructive yet I continue. Please pray for me, that I would put God's opinion above the opinion of men and that I would put propper priorities on my time.

Mission Accomplished?

2009-02-26T22:14:00.004-06:00

In the same way as these people misunderstood what the mission was, I think I misunderstood my mission. "My journey toward a complete understanding that Jesus is all that I need." As I was praying last night, I realized that this destination has already been reached -- probably sooner than later. I didn't realize that I reached the destination, but I came to a point where if all I had was Jesus, it would be enough. The real struggle, I think, is coming to the place where Jesus is all I want -- or at least there is no contest for first place. My current challenge of obediance is choosing time with God over WAR or the distraction du jour when I first get home from work, consistantly. It's not that I don't want that time (I yearn for it, in fact), but somehow at that moment, I desire something else more strongly.

I guess I need a new tagline. Any suggestions?

Everything is different but nothing has changed

2009-02-12T23:05:00.003-06:00

My understanding of my story is different, but the truth of my story never changed.

When I was 13, I told God I wanted to go to heaven and if he took over my life, that was okay. Sin was not dealt with, there was no relationship. When I was 17, He revealed in a dream that I didn't know him. I confessed my sinfulness, accepted His payment, and promised my all to Him. I went from trying to be righteous on my own to living in his righteousness. He gave me joy, a hunger for his truth, and hope. When I finished high school, I got a job; a job that I took the bus to, walking more than an hour each day round trip. The time I spent walking was time spent walking with God; even today I remember those walks with fondness (the cool morning walks more than the hot afternoon walks). When I was 20, I got a car; my lack of discipline meant this cut out my only quiet time with God. I quickly fell out of fellowship with him and spent 4 years living in sin. One night as I got ready for bed, a voice asked me, "Why don't you pray anymore?" I answered, "I'm ashamed." The voice said, "Isn't that what the devil wants?" With this He called me out of my darkness; I devoted myself to the relationship through prayer regardless of anything I had to be ashamed of. He has led me into a blessed life, revealing his truth to me time and again. I was once a slave to shame, but now I am free to live for Him.

Devotion to the relationship

2009-02-05T22:26:00.003-06:00

It's funny how just a year in a relationship can change your understanding of it. My testimony as I wrote it just over a year ago in this blog is different than how I see it now. The events were not fiction, but my view of them is colored by my level of understanding and the maturity of my relationship.

Grace Point Church is doing the "One Campaign," in which we try to each bring one other to know Jesus personally. Part of this is learning to tell our story. I really have trouble with my initial part, when I finally decided I "wanted God to be the boss of my life." Looking through some old stuff, I found a testimony I had written up probably in 2000 or 2001. How I understand it is quite different now from then, but it's still important reference. Hopefully I'll post soon with my story as I understand it now.

I grew up in a Christian home. I wasn't the perfect kid, but honestly, who was? In April of 1995, I decided I wanted Christ to save me and that I wanted to be like Jesus. But out selfishness, I clung to most of my life unwilling to surrender my all. However, I took this decision to be complete and genuine, and was eventually baptized. Long term, it had little influence on my behavior and attitude. Eventually, I pretty much went back to my old life. This decision still impacted choices I made, but as an afterthought. Then came the Spring of 1999.

As I went trhough life that spring, I came to the realization that I despised the way I lived. I hated my selfish attitude and behavior to match. The doubt of my salvation that had always hit and run began to surface. These feelings were summed up best by the lyrics of what became my favorite song:
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
This came to the peak when I had a dream that, in retrospect, was an image of my life at the time.

In my dream, the endtimes came in a different world. In this world, everyone walked on the shell of a hollow sphere that had a wall dividing it in half, with a room in the wall. Those who were saved gathered in the room in the wall, and eventually constructed a sphere inside the globe-sphere. Those unsaved were rejected and forced to stay on the outer sphere. I was initially allowed to be with those saved, but there was a test to see whethere someone was saved — they wouldn't cast a shadow. I did, but asked for time to make myself right with God. I was given this opportunity, but time after time, after I prayed to be saved, I still cast a shadow. Eventually, I got to a point of desperation and gave my all to Him, and finally cast no shadow.

When I woke up, I remembered the dream quite clearly. I felt both peace and dread; in my mind, the question nagging in my head, "If the endtimes came now, would you be left behind?", had been answered — and the answering had left quite an impression. I prayed to God again, asking Him to take all of my life and change it. From that point, my life truely changed. My attitude became more serving. I do not doubt my salvation. I returned to regular prayer and bible study. I started not only reading scripture but contemplating and understanding it. I started taking my bible to school because I felt unprepared without it. I unashamedly used it on my English final to back up my views and beliefs. I spend more time in prayer. This decision had decidedly more impact on my life than the one of years before.

I no longer doubt my salvation — not only becuase of my experience, but because of the change. Prayer is no longer saying words into the darkness of my shut eyelids; it is feeling and saying, more than words, to a presence that i can feel which takes away the darkness. I know God, I want to do what He wants me to do. I freely and willingly give my life to Him, because I have seen that He uses it better than I ever could.

If you are searching for meaning or if you despise your behavior, you can have this change too. Admit your need for change, ask Jesus to forgive you for the way that you life, and ask Him to take and change your life. It is a decision you will never regret.

To celebrate freedom

2008-12-05T20:08:00.002-06:00

When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God." -- Luke 22:14-16

I wonder why Jesus yearned for this final passover. Perhaps it brought all the apostles together for a meal when otherwise one or another would be missing. They were all in Jerusalem for the passover and certainly they were as close as family by this time, so the event guaranteeed their presence. When he says "until it finds fulfillment," does he mean this meal or the passover in general? Then again the fulfillment of the Lord's Supper and the Passover is the same, isn't it?

And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' then tell them, 'It is a the Passover sacrifice to the Lord, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' -- Exodus 12:26-27

All I need is you, Lord

2008-10-07T23:22:00.001-05:00

It happened, about a month ago, during prayer that I came to the absolute realization that everything good in my life, God had provided through no merit of my own. That anything else I strive for is meaningless. This spurred me to live more dependant on Him. How easily I let myself believe that I'm capable of doing this small thing on my own; I don't need His help to do that.

What I've started to do is to pray for every little thing as it comes up and especially not to put off prayer untill a certain time. In the morning, I pray for a safe trip to work and for help with each task I'll face at work. Throughout the day I pray for help concentrating on my task (this is a real problem for me) and other such things. I pray for a safe trip home. I pray for whatever activity I'll be participating in that evening. I've found that since I've started this that I feel closer to Him than ever before; I've found that I hear Him more often. I also see my failings more clearly.

We've all heard that we should "pray without ceasing," but I never really understood. How easy it is to say a prayer in the morning then jump into our day on our own not to talk to God again untill we go to bed; how easy to let the troubles of the day distract us from the one who can help us through them. How easy it is to think "I should pray about this" and file it away for later, often never to be retrieved, when we can talk to Him any time, any place.

The second important piece, I think, is engaging in activity that serves as a constant reminder that I need His help. Many months ago I realized His calling for me to teach for Breakout, which is a Wednesday night ministry to children 2nd-5th grade. I am equipped with the knowledge and understanding to teach, but for a shy person like me that likes order and precise ("big") words I can think of few things further from my comfort zone. To survive I can only depend on His strength, His words, His calm. In fact, now I recall that it was my desperate prayer to whip me into shape for this service that brought about this revelation/revolution.

To celebrate freedom

2008-04-06T13:16:00.004-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I'm reading through the history of Israel and the prophets during my quiet time; I started in Kings and just got into Ezra. Something interesting that I've noticed is that the Passover seems to be an indicator of the spiritual health of the nation. You would think that Passover would be like Independance day to the Jews, something everyone celebrates and gets excited about; I suppose the great deal of trouble to prepare for it may make the difference. In any case, it seems that when Israel turns away from God, the Passover is neglected, and when they return to Him it is of great importance.

Hezekiah's Passover

They decided to send a proclamation throughout Israel, from Beersheba to Dan, calling the people to come to Jerusalem and celebrate the Passover to the LORD, the God of Israel. It had not been celebrated in large numbers according to what was written. . . There was great joy in Jerusalem, for since the days of Solomon son of David king of Israel there had been nothing like this in Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 30:5,26

Josiah's Passover

The Passover had not been observed like this in Israel since the days of the prophet Samuel; and none of the kings of Israel had ever celebrated such a Passover as did Josiah, with the priests, the Levites and all Judah and Israel who were there with the people of Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 35:18

Homecoming Passover

On the fourteenth day of the first month, the exiles celebrated the Passover. . . So the Israelites who had returned from the exile ate it, together with all who had separated themselves from the unclean practices of their Gentile neighbors in order to seek the LORD, the God of Israel -- Ezra 6:19,21

God called Israel to celebrate the freedom He'd given them, and their response was "I have to get rid of all my yeast? It'll take forever to get my bread started again. I have to consecrate myself? What a pain. I have to kill a lamb and sprinkle the blood on my door post? That's going to stink and stain. I have to be stuck inside? I have to go for my evening walk."
When Christ died for our freedom from sin, that fulfilled all the requirements: "It is finished." When we accept that sacrifice, we pass from death into life: no law, no condemnation. We are called, however, to celebrate that freedom through good works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God —- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -- Ephesians 2:8-10

How easy it is to ignore these opportunities, dismissing them as inconvenient and saying we weren't sure of His will anyway. How easily we pass up the joy of the celebration because of the trouble to prepare for it. Surely I'm guilty of this.

Circle of sin

2008-03-23T01:51:00.004-05:00

Tonight, something reminded me of a theme from Haibane Renmei:

One who recognizes their sin, has no sin. That is a riddle called the Circle of Sin. Think about it. One who recognizes their sin, has no sin. Now I ask you, are you a sinner?

Basicly, in one state, you are oblivious to your sin and let it pile up, in the other you constantly look for your sin and are paralysed by the search. Those who do not find their way out are said to be "sinbound". Jesus has come to pull us out of the circle of sin; he gives us the power to answer "Not anymore." How easily, though, we allow ourselves to slip back into the circle, sinning, then trying to figure out and correct our faults, when the only way out is to rely on His mercy to deal with sins past and His power to keep us in His will, the same as when we first found Him.

Just a man, who has found his savior

2008-03-23T00:28:00.004-05:00

So I was reading blogs tonight, and came across one that pretty much reflected what I'm feeling now. Basicly, I've found that I'm sinking back into a WoW addiction under the guise of being in the world and relevant. Like an alcoholic playing a drinking game, I've found myself back in my old patterns of trying to keep ahead of my friends at the cost of all else. How skillfully the Deciever lures us to our weakness.

Up to this point, this blog has mostly showcased my trimuphs: pearls of wisdom set out for all to gaze upon. It's only nature to show your strength and hide your weakness; we need look no further than our house pets to know this is true. I created this blog because I had some things on my mind that I needed to tell others, but in fact on many occations I have used it to tell them to myself.

It seems that people have gotten the impression that I'm this well of wisdom. They say that I should blog more, that I should talk more. Since in my shyness I only talk when I am confident, its easy to see how that impression might come about. The truth is, for the most part, what I say is all I've got. The truth is that I'm just a man who has found his Savior. I will admit that there is something. By His love and grace, while I was still lost and confused, He poured into me much knowledge so that when I overcame my ordeal of confusion and saw the true scheme of things I would understand them more deeply. I thank Him from the bottom of my heart for this, but I don't thank Him enough.

While the confusion may be gone, the lost is not. There are days where I'm found and stand amazed at everything, then there are days when I'm lost and wondering how I got there. Most days measure someplace in between. My biggest weakness is my absolute weakness: I revel in the mountain top experiance, where everything is clear and it's impossible to get lost, but I fail to prepare myself for the valley, where it's easy to lose sight and go my own way. While I know what is true, while I know what it is that I need, still I often try to navigate on my own.

When I feel empty at the end of the day, when I realize that I'm charting my own course, I need to lay down everything and call to Him and listen for His voice, yet so often I don't.

Sins of the fathers

2008-03-16T14:13:00.005-05:00

Reading through the books of Kings, you see that for generations, Israel is lead by evil and corrupt kings. From the end of Solomon's reign until Hezekiah's reign, not one followed God completely, most not at all. After Hezekiah came Manasseh.

Manasseh king of Judah has committed these detestable sins. He has done more evil than the Amorites who preceded him an has led Judah into sin with his idols. Therefore this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I am going to bring such disaster on jerusalem and Judah that the ears of everyone who hears of it will tingle. . . I will wipe out Jerusalem as one wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down. -- 2 Kings 21:11-13

After Manasseh came Amon, who followed in Manasseh's ways. After Amon came Josiah.

[Josiah] did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and walked in all the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left. -- 2 Kings 22:2

Then the king called together all the elders of Judah and Jerusalem. He went up to the temple of the Lord with the men of Judah, the people of Jerusalem, the priests and the prophets . . . He read in their hearing all the words of the Book of the Covenant, which had been found in the temple of the Lord. The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the Lord -- to follow the Lord and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul . . . Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant. -- 2 Kings 23:1-3

Jehoahaz, Josiah's successor was enslaved by Egypt. Jehoiakim's reign was really the beginning of the end for Judah before being carried off to Babylon.

The Lord send Babylonian, Aramean, Moabite and Ammonite raiders against him. He sent them to destroy Judah, in accordance with the word of the Lord proclaimed by his servants the prophets. Surely these things happened to Judah according to the Lord's command, in order to remove them from his presence because of the sins of Manasseh and all he had done, including the shedding of innocent blood. For he had filled Jerusalem with innocent blood. For he had filled Jerusalem with innocent blood, and the Lord was not willing to forgive. -- 2 Kings 24:2-4

It bothers me that so close after Josiah's reign, turning the people back to God, He still turned His wrath upon Judah. The sins of Manasseh were so great that the rightness of Josiah could not put off God's wrath past the end of his reign. But then again, after each good king, Israel seemed to have no trouble slipping back into sin; could it be that all the evil kings so corrupted the people that they never truely turned back to God?

I'm not very familiar with the events following Israel's captivity and return, but I have noticed that in the New Testament, Jesus is clearing corrupt merchants out of the temple, not alters to other gods; the evils mentioned in Kings don't seem to be present in Israel at that time. Maybe captivity straightened them out. I hope to learn in weeks to come.

Getting away from busy

2008-02-28T00:31:00.005-06:00

Pics here

This weekend, I went on a retreat with the Tribe. Of course, the point of a retreat is to get away from busy so you can reflect and hear God. I think this one was a bit too structured and full for my liking, but you can only do so much with one and a half days, anyway. Overall, it was still an awesome experience.

I don't know how long it's been since I've been in such raw nature. It was fun walking up the river. And even being surrounded by the trees while doing the ropes course was soothing (while I was on the ground :p). I wouldn't have thought it, but the rope swing was actually scarrier than zip line. For the record, I was in no great pain while swinging; I think it's a harness adjustment issue. After the ropes course, some crazy friends went for a freezing dip in the Frio river. One of them got a shell stuck in her foot, which cut the experience short for those that the cold didn't scare off; she's a fighter, and endured much more pain than I think I could extracting all the bits lodged up in her foot. Later, there was a baptism in the river; the experience was quite moving.

I think the most amazing times were when we were singing praise songs together; there was a unity in the air that was indescribable. A man came and shared with us about condemnation. God does not condemn the saved; Satan and man condemn the saved. By realizing this, we can lay down the burdens of shame that we carry to pursue an unhindered relationship with God. Seeing the response of my friends to this message brought tears of joy.

If you've spent much time listening to me in the past months (and for that I'd have to actually be talking...), you'd have heard me reference Hosea 6:6:

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings

This verse embodies the conflict between God and religion gone bad -- for the time it was written, for the time when Jesus quoted it to the Pharisees, and for our present age. During the retreat, another verse grabbed me:

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. -- 2 Chronicles 7:14

For a while now, I've been getting real torn up when I consider Israel's struggle between evil and holiness, but I couldn't figure out why. This weekend I realized that Israel's struggle mirrors that of the world today, and maybe even of the church today. In response, I've started to read through Kings and Chronicles, and plan to continue through the prophets. That probably bodes well for my blog, as well as my walk.

Devotion to the relationship

2008-01-13T23:39:00.000-06:00

This week in my BSF lesson, there was a question that asked about if and how a certain change had taken place. This brought me back to the issue of how I ended up where I am now and the difference from before.

For those that haven't heard my story, I grew up in a Christian home in Pennsylvania. I moved down to San Antonio to live with my grandfather with my mom when my parrents got divorced between elementry and middle school. In 6th or 7th grade, I made an intellectual decision to follow Jesus, but looking back, I can't say I really was. After 7th grade, me, my siblings, and my mom moved out into our own house. Somewhere in the middle of high school, I was convicted through a dream and recommited my life to Jesus. At this time, there was a real change. After high school, I started my current job. I hadn't a driver's licence so I rode the bus. My mom made me attend BSF, which I didn't put enough effort into to really get much out of it. I rode the bus for three and a half years, after which they changed the schedule so I could no longer do that; at this point I got a licence and a car. About a year later, I moved out with some friends. At first, I continued to go to church and to BSF, but Sunday morning exhaustion and other priorities (both WoW, probably...) phased those out as well as daily prayer. For three years I lived a life dovoted only to self-gratification; as a nerd that meant video games, electronic music, and tech toys rather than sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but it was meaningless just the same. It was arround March of 2007 when I was convicted by the Holy Spirit "Why don't you pray at night?" "I'm too ashamed." "Isn't that exactly what the Devil wants? To drive a wedge between you and God?" This short conversation changed my life. From this point, I refused to let my shame get in the way of my relationship; if I was ashamed, all the more reason to go to the Lord now and get it out of the way. Also, I stopped wallowing in my shame. In the past, I pretty much asked for forgiveness for sins over and over, but now I confess, ask for help, and put it behind me. Having re-established daily prayer, I eventually felt that I needed to rejoin the community of believers. The first week of July, I decided to try Grace Point; it was close to my residence, my aunt and uncle go there, and it was familiar ground since my BSF class had used the facilities for years. I had always intended to return to my old church, Crossroads, to consider going there, but I just felt that Grace Point was where I belonged. I remember sending off Kyle and Stephani in the worship service, then joining the Tribe a few weeks later. I was a bit unsure at first, but soon felt like I fit in and decided to stay. In September BSF started back up and my sister wanted me to go to the BSF young adults class with her; I told her no on the spot, that I was too busy (being busy, that is...). God had other plans; I immediately felt uneasy about the situation and eventually realized that BSF was exactly what I needed: a structured daily quiet time with accountability. So I joined BSF; interestingly enough, the material is on a seven year cycle, so I'm studying the same thing now that I was when I first started. The difference is phenomenal; scripture that was "yeah, yeah, I know this" last time moved me to tears this time, and was so much deeper. All the things that I used to desire have become insignificant. I decided that I don't need an Evo. I decided that my current job is my dream job. I decided that I don't need or want a Dell 30" monitor. I think for the first time in my life I know true joy and contentment.

So what's different now from seven years ago? Every time I consider it, I decide that it is this: Seven years ago, I was trying to live the Christian life for myself, for God, and for the approval of those arround me; today, I just want a closer and deeper relationship with Jesus. Seven years ago, when I recognized my sin, I felt shame; today, when I recognize my sin, I feel closer to pain, that I am driving myself away from God. Seven years ago, I relied on myself to live right and asked God for help; today, I rely on God to help me change. Seven years ago, I had all sorts of personal requests of God; today I ask only for help focusing on work, for sleep, that I would know His will, and that I would have the strength and will to do it.

I pose the questions to you:
Are you trying to live the Christian life on your own?
Is your relationship with God your one thing?

The waterfall illustration

2008-01-03T02:16:00.000-06:00

In my last blog post I mentioned the concept that God is outside of time, but this isn't an easy concept to grasp. It explains how we can both have free will and yet the future be already known. It makes it easier to understand God's much better view of a given situation and, for me at least, brings comfort in dispair.
Imagine, if you will, that the course of all history is a waterfall. Not a raging, churning waterfall, but more of a transparent sheet of water that falls consistantly. We, within the stream, can only see our immediate surroundings and only know the result of our actions after they are behind us. God, on the other hand, sees the whole fall. Everything that has been and will be is plain for Him to see. When He pokes His finger in the fall, He immediately sees the complete results; he can see the change in where the stream falls. If He is not satisfied, He can continue to alter the stream until it paints His perfect picture. We are free to choose our own way, but He already knows where it will lead us. By His grace, he will try to tell us to change our way, and if need be, place a rock in our way to divert our course.
No matter the situation, no matter how illogical it may seem to us within the stream, God's way for us is perfect, because He has a much better view than us.

Why isn't Christmas Christmas?

2007-12-24T23:18:00.000-06:00

For a while now, I've had trouble with Christmas; with the tired old songs we sing every year, the same scenery, the same sermons. Last year I could chalk it up to just being out of it, but this year... I certainly recognize the importance of Christ's birth. God was born a human without original sin to the descendants of David, a legitimate contender to the throne of Israel had it existed then, as a child so he could experience the complete human experience. I'm thankful for that, but I'm thankful every day for that. This year, the thing that has stood out to me most about Jesus isn't His birth, His death, or His teaching, but his humanity; the idea that God came down and experienced 30 years of normal life as just-another-person as far as most were concerned so that He could fully understand what it is to be human; what it is to labor, what it is to struggle, what it is to be tempted, what it is to be kept awake past when you want to sleep, what it is to be nagged at. Perhaps the understanding that God understands us so completely, not just as an observer outside of time, but as a co-participant in life so blows my mind that the rest pales in comparison; I don't know, but I certainly hope I figure it out.

Two prayers are better than one

2007-12-16T18:44:00.000-06:00

This morning in Sunday bible study, Jeff passed out slips of paper with subjects for the recipient to talk about briefly. I got "prayer request"; this evoked a negative emotion because I didn't really understand the why we should ask others to pray for us. I thought, "As long as I am God's child, He will hear me just as well as He will hear the two of us." As I thought about it I remembered the last time someone had asked me to pray for them, then how I prayed for them. Then, Hebrews 4:15 came to my mind:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.

I remembered that one of the purposes of Christ's stay on Earth was to better understand the human existance so He can convey our prayers to the Father. I realized that how I pray for a situation is tainted by my life experiences and that my prayer probably won't be the same as another's, given that some of the situation is known; this is at least one reason why two prayers are better than one.

Thank you for the sickness

2007-11-23T00:31:00.000-06:00

As I sat here contemplating the writing of the traditional "what am I thankful for this year" blog post, I found an item that surprised me. Foremost, of course, I am thankful for my renewed fellowship with God. Then, for new friends, new drive to do His will, continued employment, and so forth. As I went over my year, I considered my sickness last week, it not being muddled up like events further in the past. I realized that my sickness is like a crystal clear window into where I am now; being "squeezed" revealed what is essential and what is optional. Without such windows, it is easy to hide the truth from myself.

Be Still

2007-11-19T17:51:00.000-06:00

As I was coming home from eating, today, I was thinking. About how many people aren't ready to hear about God until some tragedy strikes them, and why this is. Then I realized that the time that I felt closest to God, before this year, was when I was riding the bus to work and walking 40 minutes from the bus stop to work. It wasn't a tragedy, but it was time when I wasn't so busy. When I got a car is when I fell away from fellowship with God; I suddenly had so much time for meaningless things instead of "wasting" so much time sitting and walking. That's when it hit me; "Be still and know I am God."

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortess;
Psalm 46:10-11

I've mentioned Bible Study Fellowship to many of you. Among other things, it involves daily individual study. It's a seven year course, each year studying a single book or range of books. I originally started BSF 7 years ago, as required by my mother at the time; this means that I'm studying the same thing now as back then. At the time, I almost always ended up squeezing 6 days of bible study into two hours on the bus to the weekly meeting.

This time is different. I soon made the restriction on myself that I would only do the questions for a day on the day for which they are meant. Since we share our answers in a small group each week, this means instant accountability. Between this, and my general commitment to do my daily bible study, I've managed to do it most days. Along the way, I've learned that I have to make it the first thing after work, or I'll let myself become too busy or too sleepy. Taking time each day, not letting myself be rushed and taking the time I need, the course has been so much more meaningful this year.

So many studies and people have asked "how much time do you devote to God each week", but I think a more important question is "How much time do you spend being still to know He is God each week?" So many times, previously, I was a clock watcher at church and during the lecture at BSF, so many times I let my worries and business creep into my time with God. Finally, I understand, that the most important thing is to let it be the most important thing; to be still and know He is God.