Seasons of Life and Music

Somehow, my collection of music has changed very little over the past decade. This thought is somewhat surprising to me, considering how important music is to me. Anyway, while my love of Eurobeat music has been consistent, I've noticed that my selections of "Christian" music (from my mostly fixed library) have shifted over the years. For instance, early on I was a huge fan of Skillet; mostly this was due to their sound, but also due to resonance with lyrics in many of their songs indicating a desire for to be changed radically. As I grew deeper in Christ, though, these songs lost their meaning to me; I already saw the change I had desired. I picked up on The Benjamin Gate originally because of their unique sound, but the deep lyrics drew my attention; since, my fondness has not abated. I ended up with a lot of Jaci Velasquez, somehow, about half of it was probably Christmas presents. I thought it was decent music, but very poppy and seemingly superficial. It's funny, then, that I'm drawn to it so much now because though simple, many songs deeply resonate with me. Newsboys was always fun and a bit odd, but more recently I can't stand the raucous superficiality of most of their songs. P.O.D. has been fairly constant, but then it is somewhat lacking in "message." DC Talk has been a minor player for me this decade, but has recently seen a resurgence, probably due to a general reminiscence that brought back old secular artists. I've also noticed changes of opinions about various songs from old sampler CDs.

I really need to do this blog thing more often...

The power of brokenness

(or All I need is you, Lord II)

It's funny how time reveals new things that you've known for a long time but didn't realize it. Or maybe you did and forgot . . .

I've been thinking about this a lot, lately. How we build up these walls so easily. Walls painted with pictures we want others to see. Walls of pride. Walls of confidence in ourselves. How these walls block out God's voice. How they (we) need to be broken to hear God. How blessed it is to be in a place where you're constantly stretched and broken. How easily, naturally, and habitually we build these walls. How can we live leaning on God while we're leaning on our wall? How I want to live broken but how I dread a fall. Sometimes, all it takes is the right song; the resonance shatters the wall. Sometimes, the right picture. Other times, the right story. Even so, eventually we grow callous and need new songs, pictures, stories. I want to hear God, but I keep building these walls.

The fullness of time

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. -- Genesis 1:1

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness... -- Genesis 1:26

There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in the flames of fire from within a bush -- Exodus 3:2a

By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on their way and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light... -- Exodus 13:21

See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared. Pay attention to him and listen to what he says. Do not rebel against him; he will not forgive your rebellion, since my Name is in him. -- Exodus 23:21-21

The angel of the Lord went up from Gilgal to Bokim and said, "I brought you up out of Egypt and led you into the land that I swore to give to your forefathers. I said, 'I will never break my covenant with you, and you shall not make a covenant with the people of this land, but you shall break down their altars.' Yet you have disobeyed me. Why have you done this? -- Judges 2:1-2

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn -- Luke 2:6-7

Many scholars believe that before his birth as Jesus, God the Son appeared many times to men. While God the Father exists outside of time, Jesus clearly existed within time, and from all I know of the bible I believe that he has since time began. So then, God the Son himself guided and struggled with the wayward Israelites for more than a thousand years. How he must have yearned for the time when he would live among them to show them the way to live. How he must have yearned to finally free man from the curse of sin. This is the meaning I now find in Christmas.

Holiness is calling, in the midst of calling fame

So right now, I am really struggling to prioritize God's will over efforts to bask in and preserve my fame. "Jay? Famous?" you may ask, but among a certain group of people that play the same MMORPG I do, I have celebrity status. I've been asked out to basicly get a free ride in groups because I am who I am. And it seems that this fame infects every waking moment. I'm constantly checking to see what people are saying about my work and constantly thinking about work I can do to make people love me more. And I don't have time for this. I have to move by the end of the month and I've barely started organizing. I can clearly see that this is self-destructive yet I continue. Please pray for me, that I would put God's opinion above the opinion of men and that I would put propper priorities on my time.

Mission Accomplished?

In the same way as these people misunderstood what the mission was, I think I misunderstood my mission. "My journey toward a complete understanding that Jesus is all that I need." As I was praying last night, I realized that this destination has already been reached -- probably sooner than later. I didn't realize that I reached the destination, but I came to a point where if all I had was Jesus, it would be enough. The real struggle, I think, is coming to the place where Jesus is all I want -- or at least there is no contest for first place. My current challenge of obediance is choosing time with God over WAR or the distraction du jour when I first get home from work, consistantly. It's not that I don't want that time (I yearn for it, in fact), but somehow at that moment, I desire something else more strongly.

I guess I need a new tagline. Any suggestions?

Everything is different but nothing has changed

My understanding of my story is different, but the truth of my story never changed.

When I was 13, I told God I wanted to go to heaven and if he took over my life, that was okay. Sin was not dealt with, there was no relationship. When I was 17, He revealed in a dream that I didn't know him. I confessed my sinfulness, accepted His payment, and promised my all to Him. I went from trying to be righteous on my own to living in his righteousness. He gave me joy, a hunger for his truth, and hope. When I finished high school, I got a job; a job that I took the bus to, walking more than an hour each day round trip. The time I spent walking was time spent walking with God; even today I remember those walks with fondness (the cool morning walks more than the hot afternoon walks). When I was 20, I got a car; my lack of discipline meant this cut out my only quiet time with God. I quickly fell out of fellowship with him and spent 4 years living in sin. One night as I got ready for bed, a voice asked me, "Why don't you pray anymore?" I answered, "I'm ashamed." The voice said, "Isn't that what the devil wants?" With this He called me out of my darkness; I devoted myself to the relationship through prayer regardless of anything I had to be ashamed of. He has led me into a blessed life, revealing his truth to me time and again. I was once a slave to shame, but now I am free to live for Him.

Devotion to the relationship

It's funny how just a year in a relationship can change your understanding of it. My testimony as I wrote it just over a year ago in this blog is different than how I see it now. The events were not fiction, but my view of them is colored by my level of understanding and the maturity of my relationship.

Grace Point Church is doing the "One Campaign," in which we try to each bring one other to know Jesus personally. Part of this is learning to tell our story. I really have trouble with my initial part, when I finally decided I "wanted God to be the boss of my life." Looking through some old stuff, I found a testimony I had written up probably in 2000 or 2001. How I understand it is quite different now from then, but it's still important reference. Hopefully I'll post soon with my story as I understand it now.

I grew up in a Christian home. I wasn't the perfect kid, but honestly, who was? In April of 1995, I decided I wanted Christ to save me and that I wanted to be like Jesus. But out selfishness, I clung to most of my life unwilling to surrender my all. However, I took this decision to be complete and genuine, and was eventually baptized. Long term, it had little influence on my behavior and attitude. Eventually, I pretty much went back to my old life. This decision still impacted choices I made, but as an afterthought. Then came the Spring of 1999.

As I went trhough life that spring, I came to the realization that I despised the way I lived. I hated my selfish attitude and behavior to match. The doubt of my salvation that had always hit and run began to surface. These feelings were summed up best by the lyrics of what became my favorite song:

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

This came to the peak when I had a dream that, in retrospect, was an image of my life at the time.

In my dream, the endtimes came in a different world. In this world, everyone walked on the shell of a hollow sphere that had a wall dividing it in half, with a room in the wall. Those who were saved gathered in the room in the wall, and eventually constructed a sphere inside the globe-sphere. Those unsaved were rejected and forced to stay on the outer sphere. I was initially allowed to be with those saved, but there was a test to see whethere someone was saved — they wouldn't cast a shadow. I did, but asked for time to make myself right with God. I was given this opportunity, but time after time, after I prayed to be saved, I still cast a shadow. Eventually, I got to a point of desperation and gave my all to Him, and finally cast no shadow.

When I woke up, I remembered the dream quite clearly. I felt both peace and dread; in my mind, the question nagging in my head, "If the endtimes came now, would you be left behind?", had been answered — and the answering had left quite an impression. I prayed to God again, asking Him to take all of my life and change it. From that point, my life truely changed. My attitude became more serving. I do not doubt my salvation. I returned to regular prayer and bible study. I started not only reading scripture but contemplating and understanding it. I started taking my bible to school because I felt unprepared without it. I unashamedly used it on my English final to back up my views and beliefs. I spend more time in prayer. This decision had decidedly more impact on my life than the one of years before.

I no longer doubt my salvation — not only becuase of my experience, but because of the change. Prayer is no longer saying words into the darkness of my shut eyelids; it is feeling and saying, more than words, to a presence that i can feel which takes away the darkness. I know God, I want to do what He wants me to do. I freely and willingly give my life to Him, because I have seen that He uses it better than I ever could.

If you are searching for meaning or if you despise your behavior, you can have this change too. Admit your need for change, ask Jesus to forgive you for the way that you life, and ask Him to take and change your life. It is a decision you will never regret.