Devotion to the relationship

It's funny how just a year in a relationship can change your understanding of it. My testimony as I wrote it just over a year ago in this blog is different than how I see it now. The events were not fiction, but my view of them is colored by my level of understanding and the maturity of my relationship.

Grace Point Church is doing the "One Campaign," in which we try to each bring one other to know Jesus personally. Part of this is learning to tell our story. I really have trouble with my initial part, when I finally decided I "wanted God to be the boss of my life." Looking through some old stuff, I found a testimony I had written up probably in 2000 or 2001. How I understand it is quite different now from then, but it's still important reference. Hopefully I'll post soon with my story as I understand it now.

I grew up in a Christian home. I wasn't the perfect kid, but honestly, who was? In April of 1995, I decided I wanted Christ to save me and that I wanted to be like Jesus. But out selfishness, I clung to most of my life unwilling to surrender my all. However, I took this decision to be complete and genuine, and was eventually baptized. Long term, it had little influence on my behavior and attitude. Eventually, I pretty much went back to my old life. This decision still impacted choices I made, but as an afterthought. Then came the Spring of 1999.

As I went trhough life that spring, I came to the realization that I despised the way I lived. I hated my selfish attitude and behavior to match. The doubt of my salvation that had always hit and run began to surface. These feelings were summed up best by the lyrics of what became my favorite song:

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

This came to the peak when I had a dream that, in retrospect, was an image of my life at the time.

In my dream, the endtimes came in a different world. In this world, everyone walked on the shell of a hollow sphere that had a wall dividing it in half, with a room in the wall. Those who were saved gathered in the room in the wall, and eventually constructed a sphere inside the globe-sphere. Those unsaved were rejected and forced to stay on the outer sphere. I was initially allowed to be with those saved, but there was a test to see whethere someone was saved — they wouldn't cast a shadow. I did, but asked for time to make myself right with God. I was given this opportunity, but time after time, after I prayed to be saved, I still cast a shadow. Eventually, I got to a point of desperation and gave my all to Him, and finally cast no shadow.

When I woke up, I remembered the dream quite clearly. I felt both peace and dread; in my mind, the question nagging in my head, "If the endtimes came now, would you be left behind?", had been answered — and the answering had left quite an impression. I prayed to God again, asking Him to take all of my life and change it. From that point, my life truely changed. My attitude became more serving. I do not doubt my salvation. I returned to regular prayer and bible study. I started not only reading scripture but contemplating and understanding it. I started taking my bible to school because I felt unprepared without it. I unashamedly used it on my English final to back up my views and beliefs. I spend more time in prayer. This decision had decidedly more impact on my life than the one of years before.

I no longer doubt my salvation — not only becuase of my experience, but because of the change. Prayer is no longer saying words into the darkness of my shut eyelids; it is feeling and saying, more than words, to a presence that i can feel which takes away the darkness. I know God, I want to do what He wants me to do. I freely and willingly give my life to Him, because I have seen that He uses it better than I ever could.

If you are searching for meaning or if you despise your behavior, you can have this change too. Admit your need for change, ask Jesus to forgive you for the way that you life, and ask Him to take and change your life. It is a decision you will never regret.

To celebrate freedom

When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God." -- Luke 22:14-16

I wonder why Jesus yearned for this final passover. Perhaps it brought all the apostles together for a meal when otherwise one or another would be missing. They were all in Jerusalem for the passover and certainly they were as close as family by this time, so the event guaranteeed their presence. When he says "until it finds fulfillment," does he mean this meal or the passover in general? Then again the fulfillment of the Lord's Supper and the Passover is the same, isn't it?

And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' then tell them, 'It is a the Passover sacrifice to the Lord, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' -- Exodus 12:26-27

All I need is you, Lord

It happened, about a month ago, during prayer that I came to the absolute realization that everything good in my life, God had provided through no merit of my own. That anything else I strive for is meaningless. This spurred me to live more dependant on Him. How easily I let myself believe that I'm capable of doing this small thing on my own; I don't need His help to do that.

What I've started to do is to pray for every little thing as it comes up and especially not to put off prayer untill a certain time. In the morning, I pray for a safe trip to work and for help with each task I'll face at work. Throughout the day I pray for help concentrating on my task (this is a real problem for me) and other such things. I pray for a safe trip home. I pray for whatever activity I'll be participating in that evening. I've found that since I've started this that I feel closer to Him than ever before; I've found that I hear Him more often. I also see my failings more clearly.

We've all heard that we should "pray without ceasing," but I never really understood. How easy it is to say a prayer in the morning then jump into our day on our own not to talk to God again untill we go to bed; how easy to let the troubles of the day distract us from the one who can help us through them. How easy it is to think "I should pray about this" and file it away for later, often never to be retrieved, when we can talk to Him any time, any place.

The second important piece, I think, is engaging in activity that serves as a constant reminder that I need His help. Many months ago I realized His calling for me to teach for Breakout, which is a Wednesday night ministry to children 2nd-5th grade. I am equipped with the knowledge and understanding to teach, but for a shy person like me that likes order and precise ("big") words I can think of few things further from my comfort zone. To survive I can only depend on His strength, His words, His calm. In fact, now I recall that it was my desperate prayer to whip me into shape for this service that brought about this revelation/revolution.

To celebrate freedom

As I've mentioned before, I'm reading through the history of Israel and the prophets during my quiet time; I started in Kings and just got into Ezra. Something interesting that I've noticed is that the Passover seems to be an indicator of the spiritual health of the nation. You would think that Passover would be like Independance day to the Jews, something everyone celebrates and gets excited about; I suppose the great deal of trouble to prepare for it may make the difference. In any case, it seems that when Israel turns away from God, the Passover is neglected, and when they return to Him it is of great importance.

Hezekiah's Passover

They decided to send a proclamation throughout Israel, from Beersheba to Dan, calling the people to come to Jerusalem and celebrate the Passover to the LORD, the God of Israel. It had not been celebrated in large numbers according to what was written. . . There was great joy in Jerusalem, for since the days of Solomon son of David king of Israel there had been nothing like this in Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 30:5,26

Josiah's Passover

The Passover had not been observed like this in Israel since the days of the prophet Samuel; and none of the kings of Israel had ever celebrated such a Passover as did Josiah, with the priests, the Levites and all Judah and Israel who were there with the people of Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 35:18

Homecoming Passover

On the fourteenth day of the first month, the exiles celebrated the Passover. . . So the Israelites who had returned from the exile ate it, together with all who had separated themselves from the unclean practices of their Gentile neighbors in order to seek the LORD, the God of Israel -- Ezra 6:19,21

God called Israel to celebrate the freedom He'd given them, and their response was "I have to get rid of all my yeast? It'll take forever to get my bread started again. I have to consecrate myself? What a pain. I have to kill a lamb and sprinkle the blood on my door post? That's going to stink and stain. I have to be stuck inside? I have to go for my evening walk."
When Christ died for our freedom from sin, that fulfilled all the requirements: "It is finished." When we accept that sacrifice, we pass from death into life: no law, no condemnation. We are called, however, to celebrate that freedom through good works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God —- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -- Ephesians 2:8-10

How easy it is to ignore these opportunities, dismissing them as inconvenient and saying we weren't sure of His will anyway. How easily we pass up the joy of the celebration because of the trouble to prepare for it. Surely I'm guilty of this.

Circle of sin

Tonight, something reminded me of a theme from Haibane Renmei:

One who recognizes their sin, has no sin. That is a riddle called the Circle of Sin. Think about it. One who recognizes their sin, has no sin. Now I ask you, are you a sinner?

Basicly, in one state, you are oblivious to your sin and let it pile up, in the other you constantly look for your sin and are paralysed by the search. Those who do not find their way out are said to be "sinbound". Jesus has come to pull us out of the circle of sin; he gives us the power to answer "Not anymore." How easily, though, we allow ourselves to slip back into the circle, sinning, then trying to figure out and correct our faults, when the only way out is to rely on His mercy to deal with sins past and His power to keep us in His will, the same as when we first found Him.

Just a man, who has found his savior

So I was reading blogs tonight, and came across one that pretty much reflected what I'm feeling now. Basicly, I've found that I'm sinking back into a WoW addiction under the guise of being in the world and relevant. Like an alcoholic playing a drinking game, I've found myself back in my old patterns of trying to keep ahead of my friends at the cost of all else. How skillfully the Deciever lures us to our weakness.

Up to this point, this blog has mostly showcased my trimuphs: pearls of wisdom set out for all to gaze upon. It's only nature to show your strength and hide your weakness; we need look no further than our house pets to know this is true. I created this blog because I had some things on my mind that I needed to tell others, but in fact on many occations I have used it to tell them to myself.

It seems that people have gotten the impression that I'm this well of wisdom. They say that I should blog more, that I should talk more. Since in my shyness I only talk when I am confident, its easy to see how that impression might come about. The truth is, for the most part, what I say is all I've got. The truth is that I'm just a man who has found his Savior. I will admit that there is something. By His love and grace, while I was still lost and confused, He poured into me much knowledge so that when I overcame my ordeal of confusion and saw the true scheme of things I would understand them more deeply. I thank Him from the bottom of my heart for this, but I don't thank Him enough.

While the confusion may be gone, the lost is not. There are days where I'm found and stand amazed at everything, then there are days when I'm lost and wondering how I got there. Most days measure someplace in between. My biggest weakness is my absolute weakness: I revel in the mountain top experiance, where everything is clear and it's impossible to get lost, but I fail to prepare myself for the valley, where it's easy to lose sight and go my own way. While I know what is true, while I know what it is that I need, still I often try to navigate on my own.

When I feel empty at the end of the day, when I realize that I'm charting my own course, I need to lay down everything and call to Him and listen for His voice, yet so often I don't.

Sins of the fathers

Reading through the books of Kings, you see that for generations, Israel is lead by evil and corrupt kings. From the end of Solomon's reign until Hezekiah's reign, not one followed God completely, most not at all. After Hezekiah came Manasseh.

Manasseh king of Judah has committed these detestable sins. He has done more evil than the Amorites who preceded him an has led Judah into sin with his idols. Therefore this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I am going to bring such disaster on jerusalem and Judah that the ears of everyone who hears of it will tingle. . . I will wipe out Jerusalem as one wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down. -- 2 Kings 21:11-13

After Manasseh came Amon, who followed in Manasseh's ways. After Amon came Josiah.

[Josiah] did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and walked in all the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left. -- 2 Kings 22:2

Then the king called together all the elders of Judah and Jerusalem. He went up to the temple of the Lord with the men of Judah, the people of Jerusalem, the priests and the prophets . . . He read in their hearing all the words of the Book of the Covenant, which had been found in the temple of the Lord. The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the Lord -- to follow the Lord and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul . . . Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant. -- 2 Kings 23:1-3

Jehoahaz, Josiah's successor was enslaved by Egypt. Jehoiakim's reign was really the beginning of the end for Judah before being carried off to Babylon.

The Lord send Babylonian, Aramean, Moabite and Ammonite raiders against him. He sent them to destroy Judah, in accordance with the word of the Lord proclaimed by his servants the prophets. Surely these things happened to Judah according to the Lord's command, in order to remove them from his presence because of the sins of Manasseh and all he had done, including the shedding of innocent blood. For he had filled Jerusalem with innocent blood. For he had filled Jerusalem with innocent blood, and the Lord was not willing to forgive. -- 2 Kings 24:2-4

It bothers me that so close after Josiah's reign, turning the people back to God, He still turned His wrath upon Judah. The sins of Manasseh were so great that the rightness of Josiah could not put off God's wrath past the end of his reign. But then again, after each good king, Israel seemed to have no trouble slipping back into sin; could it be that all the evil kings so corrupted the people that they never truely turned back to God?

I'm not very familiar with the events following Israel's captivity and return, but I have noticed that in the New Testament, Jesus is clearing corrupt merchants out of the temple, not alters to other gods; the evils mentioned in Kings don't seem to be present in Israel at that time. Maybe captivity straightened them out. I hope to learn in weeks to come.