Devotion to the relationship

This week in my BSF lesson, there was a question that asked about if and how a certain change had taken place. This brought me back to the issue of how I ended up where I am now and the difference from before.

For those that haven't heard my story, I grew up in a Christian home in Pennsylvania. I moved down to San Antonio to live with my grandfather with my mom when my parrents got divorced between elementry and middle school. In 6th or 7th grade, I made an intellectual decision to follow Jesus, but looking back, I can't say I really was. After 7th grade, me, my siblings, and my mom moved out into our own house. Somewhere in the middle of high school, I was convicted through a dream and recommited my life to Jesus. At this time, there was a real change. After high school, I started my current job. I hadn't a driver's licence so I rode the bus. My mom made me attend BSF, which I didn't put enough effort into to really get much out of it. I rode the bus for three and a half years, after which they changed the schedule so I could no longer do that; at this point I got a licence and a car. About a year later, I moved out with some friends. At first, I continued to go to church and to BSF, but Sunday morning exhaustion and other priorities (both WoW, probably...) phased those out as well as daily prayer. For three years I lived a life dovoted only to self-gratification; as a nerd that meant video games, electronic music, and tech toys rather than sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but it was meaningless just the same. It was arround March of 2007 when I was convicted by the Holy Spirit "Why don't you pray at night?" "I'm too ashamed." "Isn't that exactly what the Devil wants? To drive a wedge between you and God?" This short conversation changed my life. From this point, I refused to let my shame get in the way of my relationship; if I was ashamed, all the more reason to go to the Lord now and get it out of the way. Also, I stopped wallowing in my shame. In the past, I pretty much asked for forgiveness for sins over and over, but now I confess, ask for help, and put it behind me. Having re-established daily prayer, I eventually felt that I needed to rejoin the community of believers. The first week of July, I decided to try Grace Point; it was close to my residence, my aunt and uncle go there, and it was familiar ground since my BSF class had used the facilities for years. I had always intended to return to my old church, Crossroads, to consider going there, but I just felt that Grace Point was where I belonged. I remember sending off Kyle and Stephani in the worship service, then joining the Tribe a few weeks later. I was a bit unsure at first, but soon felt like I fit in and decided to stay. In September BSF started back up and my sister wanted me to go to the BSF young adults class with her; I told her no on the spot, that I was too busy (being busy, that is...). God had other plans; I immediately felt uneasy about the situation and eventually realized that BSF was exactly what I needed: a structured daily quiet time with accountability. So I joined BSF; interestingly enough, the material is on a seven year cycle, so I'm studying the same thing now that I was when I first started. The difference is phenomenal; scripture that was "yeah, yeah, I know this" last time moved me to tears this time, and was so much deeper. All the things that I used to desire have become insignificant. I decided that I don't need an Evo. I decided that my current job is my dream job. I decided that I don't need or want a Dell 30" monitor. I think for the first time in my life I know true joy and contentment.

So what's different now from seven years ago? Every time I consider it, I decide that it is this: Seven years ago, I was trying to live the Christian life for myself, for God, and for the approval of those arround me; today, I just want a closer and deeper relationship with Jesus. Seven years ago, when I recognized my sin, I felt shame; today, when I recognize my sin, I feel closer to pain, that I am driving myself away from God. Seven years ago, I relied on myself to live right and asked God for help; today, I rely on God to help me change. Seven years ago, I had all sorts of personal requests of God; today I ask only for help focusing on work, for sleep, that I would know His will, and that I would have the strength and will to do it.

I pose the questions to you:
Are you trying to live the Christian life on your own?
Is your relationship with God your one thing?

The waterfall illustration

In my last blog post I mentioned the concept that God is outside of time, but this isn't an easy concept to grasp. It explains how we can both have free will and yet the future be already known. It makes it easier to understand God's much better view of a given situation and, for me at least, brings comfort in dispair.
Imagine, if you will, that the course of all history is a waterfall. Not a raging, churning waterfall, but more of a transparent sheet of water that falls consistantly. We, within the stream, can only see our immediate surroundings and only know the result of our actions after they are behind us. God, on the other hand, sees the whole fall. Everything that has been and will be is plain for Him to see. When He pokes His finger in the fall, He immediately sees the complete results; he can see the change in where the stream falls. If He is not satisfied, He can continue to alter the stream until it paints His perfect picture. We are free to choose our own way, but He already knows where it will lead us. By His grace, he will try to tell us to change our way, and if need be, place a rock in our way to divert our course.
No matter the situation, no matter how illogical it may seem to us within the stream, God's way for us is perfect, because He has a much better view than us.

Why isn't Christmas Christmas?

For a while now, I've had trouble with Christmas; with the tired old songs we sing every year, the same scenery, the same sermons. Last year I could chalk it up to just being out of it, but this year... I certainly recognize the importance of Christ's birth. God was born a human without original sin to the descendants of David, a legitimate contender to the throne of Israel had it existed then, as a child so he could experience the complete human experience. I'm thankful for that, but I'm thankful every day for that. This year, the thing that has stood out to me most about Jesus isn't His birth, His death, or His teaching, but his humanity; the idea that God came down and experienced 30 years of normal life as just-another-person as far as most were concerned so that He could fully understand what it is to be human; what it is to labor, what it is to struggle, what it is to be tempted, what it is to be kept awake past when you want to sleep, what it is to be nagged at. Perhaps the understanding that God understands us so completely, not just as an observer outside of time, but as a co-participant in life so blows my mind that the rest pales in comparison; I don't know, but I certainly hope I figure it out.

Two prayers are better than one

This morning in Sunday bible study, Jeff passed out slips of paper with subjects for the recipient to talk about briefly. I got "prayer request"; this evoked a negative emotion because I didn't really understand the why we should ask others to pray for us. I thought, "As long as I am God's child, He will hear me just as well as He will hear the two of us." As I thought about it I remembered the last time someone had asked me to pray for them, then how I prayed for them. Then, Hebrews 4:15 came to my mind:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.

I remembered that one of the purposes of Christ's stay on Earth was to better understand the human existance so He can convey our prayers to the Father. I realized that how I pray for a situation is tainted by my life experiences and that my prayer probably won't be the same as another's, given that some of the situation is known; this is at least one reason why two prayers are better than one.

Thank you for the sickness

As I sat here contemplating the writing of the traditional "what am I thankful for this year" blog post, I found an item that surprised me. Foremost, of course, I am thankful for my renewed fellowship with God. Then, for new friends, new drive to do His will, continued employment, and so forth. As I went over my year, I considered my sickness last week, it not being muddled up like events further in the past. I realized that my sickness is like a crystal clear window into where I am now; being "squeezed" revealed what is essential and what is optional. Without such windows, it is easy to hide the truth from myself.

Be Still

As I was coming home from eating, today, I was thinking. About how many people aren't ready to hear about God until some tragedy strikes them, and why this is. Then I realized that the time that I felt closest to God, before this year, was when I was riding the bus to work and walking 40 minutes from the bus stop to work. It wasn't a tragedy, but it was time when I wasn't so busy. When I got a car is when I fell away from fellowship with God; I suddenly had so much time for meaningless things instead of "wasting" so much time sitting and walking. That's when it hit me; "Be still and know I am God."

"Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortess;
Psalm 46:10-11

I've mentioned Bible Study Fellowship to many of you. Among other things, it involves daily individual study. It's a seven year course, each year studying a single book or range of books. I originally started BSF 7 years ago, as required by my mother at the time; this means that I'm studying the same thing now as back then. At the time, I almost always ended up squeezing 6 days of bible study into two hours on the bus to the weekly meeting.

This time is different. I soon made the restriction on myself that I would only do the questions for a day on the day for which they are meant. Since we share our answers in a small group each week, this means instant accountability. Between this, and my general commitment to do my daily bible study, I've managed to do it most days. Along the way, I've learned that I have to make it the first thing after work, or I'll let myself become too busy or too sleepy. Taking time each day, not letting myself be rushed and taking the time I need, the course has been so much more meaningful this year.

So many studies and people have asked "how much time do you devote to God each week", but I think a more important question is "How much time do you spend being still to know He is God each week?" So many times, previously, I was a clock watcher at church and during the lecture at BSF, so many times I let my worries and business creep into my time with God. Finally, I understand, that the most important thing is to let it be the most important thing; to be still and know He is God.