Holiness is calling, in the midst of calling fame

So right now, I am really struggling to prioritize God's will over efforts to bask in and preserve my fame. "Jay? Famous?" you may ask, but among a certain group of people that play the same MMORPG I do, I have celebrity status. I've been asked out to basicly get a free ride in groups because I am who I am. And it seems that this fame infects every waking moment. I'm constantly checking to see what people are saying about my work and constantly thinking about work I can do to make people love me more. And I don't have time for this. I have to move by the end of the month and I've barely started organizing. I can clearly see that this is self-destructive yet I continue. Please pray for me, that I would put God's opinion above the opinion of men and that I would put propper priorities on my time.

Mission Accomplished?

In the same way as these people misunderstood what the mission was, I think I misunderstood my mission. "My journey toward a complete understanding that Jesus is all that I need." As I was praying last night, I realized that this destination has already been reached -- probably sooner than later. I didn't realize that I reached the destination, but I came to a point where if all I had was Jesus, it would be enough. The real struggle, I think, is coming to the place where Jesus is all I want -- or at least there is no contest for first place. My current challenge of obediance is choosing time with God over WAR or the distraction du jour when I first get home from work, consistantly. It's not that I don't want that time (I yearn for it, in fact), but somehow at that moment, I desire something else more strongly.

I guess I need a new tagline. Any suggestions?

Everything is different but nothing has changed

My understanding of my story is different, but the truth of my story never changed.

When I was 13, I told God I wanted to go to heaven and if he took over my life, that was okay. Sin was not dealt with, there was no relationship. When I was 17, He revealed in a dream that I didn't know him. I confessed my sinfulness, accepted His payment, and promised my all to Him. I went from trying to be righteous on my own to living in his righteousness. He gave me joy, a hunger for his truth, and hope. When I finished high school, I got a job; a job that I took the bus to, walking more than an hour each day round trip. The time I spent walking was time spent walking with God; even today I remember those walks with fondness (the cool morning walks more than the hot afternoon walks). When I was 20, I got a car; my lack of discipline meant this cut out my only quiet time with God. I quickly fell out of fellowship with him and spent 4 years living in sin. One night as I got ready for bed, a voice asked me, "Why don't you pray anymore?" I answered, "I'm ashamed." The voice said, "Isn't that what the devil wants?" With this He called me out of my darkness; I devoted myself to the relationship through prayer regardless of anything I had to be ashamed of. He has led me into a blessed life, revealing his truth to me time and again. I was once a slave to shame, but now I am free to live for Him.

Devotion to the relationship

It's funny how just a year in a relationship can change your understanding of it. My testimony as I wrote it just over a year ago in this blog is different than how I see it now. The events were not fiction, but my view of them is colored by my level of understanding and the maturity of my relationship.

Grace Point Church is doing the "One Campaign," in which we try to each bring one other to know Jesus personally. Part of this is learning to tell our story. I really have trouble with my initial part, when I finally decided I "wanted God to be the boss of my life." Looking through some old stuff, I found a testimony I had written up probably in 2000 or 2001. How I understand it is quite different now from then, but it's still important reference. Hopefully I'll post soon with my story as I understand it now.

I grew up in a Christian home. I wasn't the perfect kid, but honestly, who was? In April of 1995, I decided I wanted Christ to save me and that I wanted to be like Jesus. But out selfishness, I clung to most of my life unwilling to surrender my all. However, I took this decision to be complete and genuine, and was eventually baptized. Long term, it had little influence on my behavior and attitude. Eventually, I pretty much went back to my old life. This decision still impacted choices I made, but as an afterthought. Then came the Spring of 1999.

As I went trhough life that spring, I came to the realization that I despised the way I lived. I hated my selfish attitude and behavior to match. The doubt of my salvation that had always hit and run began to surface. These feelings were summed up best by the lyrics of what became my favorite song:

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

This came to the peak when I had a dream that, in retrospect, was an image of my life at the time.

In my dream, the endtimes came in a different world. In this world, everyone walked on the shell of a hollow sphere that had a wall dividing it in half, with a room in the wall. Those who were saved gathered in the room in the wall, and eventually constructed a sphere inside the globe-sphere. Those unsaved were rejected and forced to stay on the outer sphere. I was initially allowed to be with those saved, but there was a test to see whethere someone was saved — they wouldn't cast a shadow. I did, but asked for time to make myself right with God. I was given this opportunity, but time after time, after I prayed to be saved, I still cast a shadow. Eventually, I got to a point of desperation and gave my all to Him, and finally cast no shadow.

When I woke up, I remembered the dream quite clearly. I felt both peace and dread; in my mind, the question nagging in my head, "If the endtimes came now, would you be left behind?", had been answered — and the answering had left quite an impression. I prayed to God again, asking Him to take all of my life and change it. From that point, my life truely changed. My attitude became more serving. I do not doubt my salvation. I returned to regular prayer and bible study. I started not only reading scripture but contemplating and understanding it. I started taking my bible to school because I felt unprepared without it. I unashamedly used it on my English final to back up my views and beliefs. I spend more time in prayer. This decision had decidedly more impact on my life than the one of years before.

I no longer doubt my salvation — not only becuase of my experience, but because of the change. Prayer is no longer saying words into the darkness of my shut eyelids; it is feeling and saying, more than words, to a presence that i can feel which takes away the darkness. I know God, I want to do what He wants me to do. I freely and willingly give my life to Him, because I have seen that He uses it better than I ever could.

If you are searching for meaning or if you despise your behavior, you can have this change too. Admit your need for change, ask Jesus to forgive you for the way that you life, and ask Him to take and change your life. It is a decision you will never regret.

To celebrate freedom

When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God." -- Luke 22:14-16

I wonder why Jesus yearned for this final passover. Perhaps it brought all the apostles together for a meal when otherwise one or another would be missing. They were all in Jerusalem for the passover and certainly they were as close as family by this time, so the event guaranteeed their presence. When he says "until it finds fulfillment," does he mean this meal or the passover in general? Then again the fulfillment of the Lord's Supper and the Passover is the same, isn't it?

And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' then tell them, 'It is a the Passover sacrifice to the Lord, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' -- Exodus 12:26-27

All I need is you, Lord

It happened, about a month ago, during prayer that I came to the absolute realization that everything good in my life, God had provided through no merit of my own. That anything else I strive for is meaningless. This spurred me to live more dependant on Him. How easily I let myself believe that I'm capable of doing this small thing on my own; I don't need His help to do that.

What I've started to do is to pray for every little thing as it comes up and especially not to put off prayer untill a certain time. In the morning, I pray for a safe trip to work and for help with each task I'll face at work. Throughout the day I pray for help concentrating on my task (this is a real problem for me) and other such things. I pray for a safe trip home. I pray for whatever activity I'll be participating in that evening. I've found that since I've started this that I feel closer to Him than ever before; I've found that I hear Him more often. I also see my failings more clearly.

We've all heard that we should "pray without ceasing," but I never really understood. How easy it is to say a prayer in the morning then jump into our day on our own not to talk to God again untill we go to bed; how easy to let the troubles of the day distract us from the one who can help us through them. How easy it is to think "I should pray about this" and file it away for later, often never to be retrieved, when we can talk to Him any time, any place.

The second important piece, I think, is engaging in activity that serves as a constant reminder that I need His help. Many months ago I realized His calling for me to teach for Breakout, which is a Wednesday night ministry to children 2nd-5th grade. I am equipped with the knowledge and understanding to teach, but for a shy person like me that likes order and precise ("big") words I can think of few things further from my comfort zone. To survive I can only depend on His strength, His words, His calm. In fact, now I recall that it was my desperate prayer to whip me into shape for this service that brought about this revelation/revolution.

To celebrate freedom

As I've mentioned before, I'm reading through the history of Israel and the prophets during my quiet time; I started in Kings and just got into Ezra. Something interesting that I've noticed is that the Passover seems to be an indicator of the spiritual health of the nation. You would think that Passover would be like Independance day to the Jews, something everyone celebrates and gets excited about; I suppose the great deal of trouble to prepare for it may make the difference. In any case, it seems that when Israel turns away from God, the Passover is neglected, and when they return to Him it is of great importance.

Hezekiah's Passover

They decided to send a proclamation throughout Israel, from Beersheba to Dan, calling the people to come to Jerusalem and celebrate the Passover to the LORD, the God of Israel. It had not been celebrated in large numbers according to what was written. . . There was great joy in Jerusalem, for since the days of Solomon son of David king of Israel there had been nothing like this in Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 30:5,26

Josiah's Passover

The Passover had not been observed like this in Israel since the days of the prophet Samuel; and none of the kings of Israel had ever celebrated such a Passover as did Josiah, with the priests, the Levites and all Judah and Israel who were there with the people of Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 35:18

Homecoming Passover

On the fourteenth day of the first month, the exiles celebrated the Passover. . . So the Israelites who had returned from the exile ate it, together with all who had separated themselves from the unclean practices of their Gentile neighbors in order to seek the LORD, the God of Israel -- Ezra 6:19,21

God called Israel to celebrate the freedom He'd given them, and their response was "I have to get rid of all my yeast? It'll take forever to get my bread started again. I have to consecrate myself? What a pain. I have to kill a lamb and sprinkle the blood on my door post? That's going to stink and stain. I have to be stuck inside? I have to go for my evening walk."
When Christ died for our freedom from sin, that fulfilled all the requirements: "It is finished." When we accept that sacrifice, we pass from death into life: no law, no condemnation. We are called, however, to celebrate that freedom through good works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God —- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -- Ephesians 2:8-10

How easy it is to ignore these opportunities, dismissing them as inconvenient and saying we weren't sure of His will anyway. How easily we pass up the joy of the celebration because of the trouble to prepare for it. Surely I'm guilty of this.