To celebrate freedom

When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles reclined at the table. And he said to them, "I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer. For I tell you, I will not eat it again until it finds fulfillment in the kingdom of God." -- Luke 22:14-16

I wonder why Jesus yearned for this final passover. Perhaps it brought all the apostles together for a meal when otherwise one or another would be missing. They were all in Jerusalem for the passover and certainly they were as close as family by this time, so the event guaranteeed their presence. When he says "until it finds fulfillment," does he mean this meal or the passover in general? Then again the fulfillment of the Lord's Supper and the Passover is the same, isn't it?

And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' then tell them, 'It is a the Passover sacrifice to the Lord, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.' -- Exodus 12:26-27

All I need is you, Lord

It happened, about a month ago, during prayer that I came to the absolute realization that everything good in my life, God had provided through no merit of my own. That anything else I strive for is meaningless. This spurred me to live more dependant on Him. How easily I let myself believe that I'm capable of doing this small thing on my own; I don't need His help to do that.

What I've started to do is to pray for every little thing as it comes up and especially not to put off prayer untill a certain time. In the morning, I pray for a safe trip to work and for help with each task I'll face at work. Throughout the day I pray for help concentrating on my task (this is a real problem for me) and other such things. I pray for a safe trip home. I pray for whatever activity I'll be participating in that evening. I've found that since I've started this that I feel closer to Him than ever before; I've found that I hear Him more often. I also see my failings more clearly.

We've all heard that we should "pray without ceasing," but I never really understood. How easy it is to say a prayer in the morning then jump into our day on our own not to talk to God again untill we go to bed; how easy to let the troubles of the day distract us from the one who can help us through them. How easy it is to think "I should pray about this" and file it away for later, often never to be retrieved, when we can talk to Him any time, any place.

The second important piece, I think, is engaging in activity that serves as a constant reminder that I need His help. Many months ago I realized His calling for me to teach for Breakout, which is a Wednesday night ministry to children 2nd-5th grade. I am equipped with the knowledge and understanding to teach, but for a shy person like me that likes order and precise ("big") words I can think of few things further from my comfort zone. To survive I can only depend on His strength, His words, His calm. In fact, now I recall that it was my desperate prayer to whip me into shape for this service that brought about this revelation/revolution.

To celebrate freedom

As I've mentioned before, I'm reading through the history of Israel and the prophets during my quiet time; I started in Kings and just got into Ezra. Something interesting that I've noticed is that the Passover seems to be an indicator of the spiritual health of the nation. You would think that Passover would be like Independance day to the Jews, something everyone celebrates and gets excited about; I suppose the great deal of trouble to prepare for it may make the difference. In any case, it seems that when Israel turns away from God, the Passover is neglected, and when they return to Him it is of great importance.

Hezekiah's Passover

They decided to send a proclamation throughout Israel, from Beersheba to Dan, calling the people to come to Jerusalem and celebrate the Passover to the LORD, the God of Israel. It had not been celebrated in large numbers according to what was written. . . There was great joy in Jerusalem, for since the days of Solomon son of David king of Israel there had been nothing like this in Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 30:5,26

Josiah's Passover

The Passover had not been observed like this in Israel since the days of the prophet Samuel; and none of the kings of Israel had ever celebrated such a Passover as did Josiah, with the priests, the Levites and all Judah and Israel who were there with the people of Jerusalem. -- 2 Chronicles 35:18

Homecoming Passover

On the fourteenth day of the first month, the exiles celebrated the Passover. . . So the Israelites who had returned from the exile ate it, together with all who had separated themselves from the unclean practices of their Gentile neighbors in order to seek the LORD, the God of Israel -- Ezra 6:19,21

God called Israel to celebrate the freedom He'd given them, and their response was "I have to get rid of all my yeast? It'll take forever to get my bread started again. I have to consecrate myself? What a pain. I have to kill a lamb and sprinkle the blood on my door post? That's going to stink and stain. I have to be stuck inside? I have to go for my evening walk."
When Christ died for our freedom from sin, that fulfilled all the requirements: "It is finished." When we accept that sacrifice, we pass from death into life: no law, no condemnation. We are called, however, to celebrate that freedom through good works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God —- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -- Ephesians 2:8-10

How easy it is to ignore these opportunities, dismissing them as inconvenient and saying we weren't sure of His will anyway. How easily we pass up the joy of the celebration because of the trouble to prepare for it. Surely I'm guilty of this.

Circle of sin

Tonight, something reminded me of a theme from Haibane Renmei:

One who recognizes their sin, has no sin. That is a riddle called the Circle of Sin. Think about it. One who recognizes their sin, has no sin. Now I ask you, are you a sinner?

Basicly, in one state, you are oblivious to your sin and let it pile up, in the other you constantly look for your sin and are paralysed by the search. Those who do not find their way out are said to be "sinbound". Jesus has come to pull us out of the circle of sin; he gives us the power to answer "Not anymore." How easily, though, we allow ourselves to slip back into the circle, sinning, then trying to figure out and correct our faults, when the only way out is to rely on His mercy to deal with sins past and His power to keep us in His will, the same as when we first found Him.

Just a man, who has found his savior

So I was reading blogs tonight, and came across one that pretty much reflected what I'm feeling now. Basicly, I've found that I'm sinking back into a WoW addiction under the guise of being in the world and relevant. Like an alcoholic playing a drinking game, I've found myself back in my old patterns of trying to keep ahead of my friends at the cost of all else. How skillfully the Deciever lures us to our weakness.

Up to this point, this blog has mostly showcased my trimuphs: pearls of wisdom set out for all to gaze upon. It's only nature to show your strength and hide your weakness; we need look no further than our house pets to know this is true. I created this blog because I had some things on my mind that I needed to tell others, but in fact on many occations I have used it to tell them to myself.

It seems that people have gotten the impression that I'm this well of wisdom. They say that I should blog more, that I should talk more. Since in my shyness I only talk when I am confident, its easy to see how that impression might come about. The truth is, for the most part, what I say is all I've got. The truth is that I'm just a man who has found his Savior. I will admit that there is something. By His love and grace, while I was still lost and confused, He poured into me much knowledge so that when I overcame my ordeal of confusion and saw the true scheme of things I would understand them more deeply. I thank Him from the bottom of my heart for this, but I don't thank Him enough.

While the confusion may be gone, the lost is not. There are days where I'm found and stand amazed at everything, then there are days when I'm lost and wondering how I got there. Most days measure someplace in between. My biggest weakness is my absolute weakness: I revel in the mountain top experiance, where everything is clear and it's impossible to get lost, but I fail to prepare myself for the valley, where it's easy to lose sight and go my own way. While I know what is true, while I know what it is that I need, still I often try to navigate on my own.

When I feel empty at the end of the day, when I realize that I'm charting my own course, I need to lay down everything and call to Him and listen for His voice, yet so often I don't.

Sins of the fathers

Reading through the books of Kings, you see that for generations, Israel is lead by evil and corrupt kings. From the end of Solomon's reign until Hezekiah's reign, not one followed God completely, most not at all. After Hezekiah came Manasseh.

Manasseh king of Judah has committed these detestable sins. He has done more evil than the Amorites who preceded him an has led Judah into sin with his idols. Therefore this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I am going to bring such disaster on jerusalem and Judah that the ears of everyone who hears of it will tingle. . . I will wipe out Jerusalem as one wipes a dish, wiping it and turning it upside down. -- 2 Kings 21:11-13

After Manasseh came Amon, who followed in Manasseh's ways. After Amon came Josiah.

[Josiah] did what was right in the eyes of the Lord and walked in all the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left. -- 2 Kings 22:2

Then the king called together all the elders of Judah and Jerusalem. He went up to the temple of the Lord with the men of Judah, the people of Jerusalem, the priests and the prophets . . . He read in their hearing all the words of the Book of the Covenant, which had been found in the temple of the Lord. The king stood by the pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the Lord -- to follow the Lord and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul . . . Then all the people pledged themselves to the covenant. -- 2 Kings 23:1-3

Jehoahaz, Josiah's successor was enslaved by Egypt. Jehoiakim's reign was really the beginning of the end for Judah before being carried off to Babylon.

The Lord send Babylonian, Aramean, Moabite and Ammonite raiders against him. He sent them to destroy Judah, in accordance with the word of the Lord proclaimed by his servants the prophets. Surely these things happened to Judah according to the Lord's command, in order to remove them from his presence because of the sins of Manasseh and all he had done, including the shedding of innocent blood. For he had filled Jerusalem with innocent blood. For he had filled Jerusalem with innocent blood, and the Lord was not willing to forgive. -- 2 Kings 24:2-4

It bothers me that so close after Josiah's reign, turning the people back to God, He still turned His wrath upon Judah. The sins of Manasseh were so great that the rightness of Josiah could not put off God's wrath past the end of his reign. But then again, after each good king, Israel seemed to have no trouble slipping back into sin; could it be that all the evil kings so corrupted the people that they never truely turned back to God?

I'm not very familiar with the events following Israel's captivity and return, but I have noticed that in the New Testament, Jesus is clearing corrupt merchants out of the temple, not alters to other gods; the evils mentioned in Kings don't seem to be present in Israel at that time. Maybe captivity straightened them out. I hope to learn in weeks to come.

Getting away from busy

Pics here

This weekend, I went on a retreat with the Tribe. Of course, the point of a retreat is to get away from busy so you can reflect and hear God. I think this one was a bit too structured and full for my liking, but you can only do so much with one and a half days, anyway. Overall, it was still an awesome experience.

I don't know how long it's been since I've been in such raw nature. It was fun walking up the river. And even being surrounded by the trees while doing the ropes course was soothing (while I was on the ground :p). I wouldn't have thought it, but the rope swing was actually scarrier than zip line. For the record, I was in no great pain while swinging; I think it's a harness adjustment issue. After the ropes course, some crazy friends went for a freezing dip in the Frio river. One of them got a shell stuck in her foot, which cut the experience short for those that the cold didn't scare off; she's a fighter, and endured much more pain than I think I could extracting all the bits lodged up in her foot. Later, there was a baptism in the river; the experience was quite moving.

I think the most amazing times were when we were singing praise songs together; there was a unity in the air that was indescribable. A man came and shared with us about condemnation. God does not condemn the saved; Satan and man condemn the saved. By realizing this, we can lay down the burdens of shame that we carry to pursue an unhindered relationship with God. Seeing the response of my friends to this message brought tears of joy.

If you've spent much time listening to me in the past months (and for that I'd have to actually be talking...), you'd have heard me reference Hosea 6:6:

For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings

This verse embodies the conflict between God and religion gone bad -- for the time it was written, for the time when Jesus quoted it to the Pharisees, and for our present age. During the retreat, another verse grabbed me:

if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. -- 2 Chronicles 7:14

For a while now, I've been getting real torn up when I consider Israel's struggle between evil and holiness, but I couldn't figure out why. This weekend I realized that Israel's struggle mirrors that of the world today, and maybe even of the church today. In response, I've started to read through Kings and Chronicles, and plan to continue through the prophets. That probably bodes well for my blog, as well as my walk.

Devotion to the relationship

This week in my BSF lesson, there was a question that asked about if and how a certain change had taken place. This brought me back to the issue of how I ended up where I am now and the difference from before.

For those that haven't heard my story, I grew up in a Christian home in Pennsylvania. I moved down to San Antonio to live with my grandfather with my mom when my parrents got divorced between elementry and middle school. In 6th or 7th grade, I made an intellectual decision to follow Jesus, but looking back, I can't say I really was. After 7th grade, me, my siblings, and my mom moved out into our own house. Somewhere in the middle of high school, I was convicted through a dream and recommited my life to Jesus. At this time, there was a real change. After high school, I started my current job. I hadn't a driver's licence so I rode the bus. My mom made me attend BSF, which I didn't put enough effort into to really get much out of it. I rode the bus for three and a half years, after which they changed the schedule so I could no longer do that; at this point I got a licence and a car. About a year later, I moved out with some friends. At first, I continued to go to church and to BSF, but Sunday morning exhaustion and other priorities (both WoW, probably...) phased those out as well as daily prayer. For three years I lived a life dovoted only to self-gratification; as a nerd that meant video games, electronic music, and tech toys rather than sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but it was meaningless just the same. It was arround March of 2007 when I was convicted by the Holy Spirit "Why don't you pray at night?" "I'm too ashamed." "Isn't that exactly what the Devil wants? To drive a wedge between you and God?" This short conversation changed my life. From this point, I refused to let my shame get in the way of my relationship; if I was ashamed, all the more reason to go to the Lord now and get it out of the way. Also, I stopped wallowing in my shame. In the past, I pretty much asked for forgiveness for sins over and over, but now I confess, ask for help, and put it behind me. Having re-established daily prayer, I eventually felt that I needed to rejoin the community of believers. The first week of July, I decided to try Grace Point; it was close to my residence, my aunt and uncle go there, and it was familiar ground since my BSF class had used the facilities for years. I had always intended to return to my old church, Crossroads, to consider going there, but I just felt that Grace Point was where I belonged. I remember sending off Kyle and Stephani in the worship service, then joining the Tribe a few weeks later. I was a bit unsure at first, but soon felt like I fit in and decided to stay. In September BSF started back up and my sister wanted me to go to the BSF young adults class with her; I told her no on the spot, that I was too busy (being busy, that is...). God had other plans; I immediately felt uneasy about the situation and eventually realized that BSF was exactly what I needed: a structured daily quiet time with accountability. So I joined BSF; interestingly enough, the material is on a seven year cycle, so I'm studying the same thing now that I was when I first started. The difference is phenomenal; scripture that was "yeah, yeah, I know this" last time moved me to tears this time, and was so much deeper. All the things that I used to desire have become insignificant. I decided that I don't need an Evo. I decided that my current job is my dream job. I decided that I don't need or want a Dell 30" monitor. I think for the first time in my life I know true joy and contentment.

So what's different now from seven years ago? Every time I consider it, I decide that it is this: Seven years ago, I was trying to live the Christian life for myself, for God, and for the approval of those arround me; today, I just want a closer and deeper relationship with Jesus. Seven years ago, when I recognized my sin, I felt shame; today, when I recognize my sin, I feel closer to pain, that I am driving myself away from God. Seven years ago, I relied on myself to live right and asked God for help; today, I rely on God to help me change. Seven years ago, I had all sorts of personal requests of God; today I ask only for help focusing on work, for sleep, that I would know His will, and that I would have the strength and will to do it.

I pose the questions to you:
Are you trying to live the Christian life on your own?
Is your relationship with God your one thing?

The waterfall illustration

In my last blog post I mentioned the concept that God is outside of time, but this isn't an easy concept to grasp. It explains how we can both have free will and yet the future be already known. It makes it easier to understand God's much better view of a given situation and, for me at least, brings comfort in dispair.
Imagine, if you will, that the course of all history is a waterfall. Not a raging, churning waterfall, but more of a transparent sheet of water that falls consistantly. We, within the stream, can only see our immediate surroundings and only know the result of our actions after they are behind us. God, on the other hand, sees the whole fall. Everything that has been and will be is plain for Him to see. When He pokes His finger in the fall, He immediately sees the complete results; he can see the change in where the stream falls. If He is not satisfied, He can continue to alter the stream until it paints His perfect picture. We are free to choose our own way, but He already knows where it will lead us. By His grace, he will try to tell us to change our way, and if need be, place a rock in our way to divert our course.
No matter the situation, no matter how illogical it may seem to us within the stream, God's way for us is perfect, because He has a much better view than us.