Mission Accomplished?

In the same way as these people misunderstood what the mission was, I think I misunderstood my mission. "My journey toward a complete understanding that Jesus is all that I need." As I was praying last night, I realized that this destination has already been reached -- probably sooner than later. I didn't realize that I reached the destination, but I came to a point where if all I had was Jesus, it would be enough. The real struggle, I think, is coming to the place where Jesus is all I want -- or at least there is no contest for first place. My current challenge of obediance is choosing time with God over WAR or the distraction du jour when I first get home from work, consistantly. It's not that I don't want that time (I yearn for it, in fact), but somehow at that moment, I desire something else more strongly.

I guess I need a new tagline. Any suggestions?

Everything is different but nothing has changed

My understanding of my story is different, but the truth of my story never changed.

When I was 13, I told God I wanted to go to heaven and if he took over my life, that was okay. Sin was not dealt with, there was no relationship. When I was 17, He revealed in a dream that I didn't know him. I confessed my sinfulness, accepted His payment, and promised my all to Him. I went from trying to be righteous on my own to living in his righteousness. He gave me joy, a hunger for his truth, and hope. When I finished high school, I got a job; a job that I took the bus to, walking more than an hour each day round trip. The time I spent walking was time spent walking with God; even today I remember those walks with fondness (the cool morning walks more than the hot afternoon walks). When I was 20, I got a car; my lack of discipline meant this cut out my only quiet time with God. I quickly fell out of fellowship with him and spent 4 years living in sin. One night as I got ready for bed, a voice asked me, "Why don't you pray anymore?" I answered, "I'm ashamed." The voice said, "Isn't that what the devil wants?" With this He called me out of my darkness; I devoted myself to the relationship through prayer regardless of anything I had to be ashamed of. He has led me into a blessed life, revealing his truth to me time and again. I was once a slave to shame, but now I am free to live for Him.

Devotion to the relationship

It's funny how just a year in a relationship can change your understanding of it. My testimony as I wrote it just over a year ago in this blog is different than how I see it now. The events were not fiction, but my view of them is colored by my level of understanding and the maturity of my relationship.

Grace Point Church is doing the "One Campaign," in which we try to each bring one other to know Jesus personally. Part of this is learning to tell our story. I really have trouble with my initial part, when I finally decided I "wanted God to be the boss of my life." Looking through some old stuff, I found a testimony I had written up probably in 2000 or 2001. How I understand it is quite different now from then, but it's still important reference. Hopefully I'll post soon with my story as I understand it now.

I grew up in a Christian home. I wasn't the perfect kid, but honestly, who was? In April of 1995, I decided I wanted Christ to save me and that I wanted to be like Jesus. But out selfishness, I clung to most of my life unwilling to surrender my all. However, I took this decision to be complete and genuine, and was eventually baptized. Long term, it had little influence on my behavior and attitude. Eventually, I pretty much went back to my old life. This decision still impacted choices I made, but as an afterthought. Then came the Spring of 1999.

As I went trhough life that spring, I came to the realization that I despised the way I lived. I hated my selfish attitude and behavior to match. The doubt of my salvation that had always hit and run began to surface. These feelings were summed up best by the lyrics of what became my favorite song:

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior

This came to the peak when I had a dream that, in retrospect, was an image of my life at the time.

In my dream, the endtimes came in a different world. In this world, everyone walked on the shell of a hollow sphere that had a wall dividing it in half, with a room in the wall. Those who were saved gathered in the room in the wall, and eventually constructed a sphere inside the globe-sphere. Those unsaved were rejected and forced to stay on the outer sphere. I was initially allowed to be with those saved, but there was a test to see whethere someone was saved — they wouldn't cast a shadow. I did, but asked for time to make myself right with God. I was given this opportunity, but time after time, after I prayed to be saved, I still cast a shadow. Eventually, I got to a point of desperation and gave my all to Him, and finally cast no shadow.

When I woke up, I remembered the dream quite clearly. I felt both peace and dread; in my mind, the question nagging in my head, "If the endtimes came now, would you be left behind?", had been answered — and the answering had left quite an impression. I prayed to God again, asking Him to take all of my life and change it. From that point, my life truely changed. My attitude became more serving. I do not doubt my salvation. I returned to regular prayer and bible study. I started not only reading scripture but contemplating and understanding it. I started taking my bible to school because I felt unprepared without it. I unashamedly used it on my English final to back up my views and beliefs. I spend more time in prayer. This decision had decidedly more impact on my life than the one of years before.

I no longer doubt my salvation — not only becuase of my experience, but because of the change. Prayer is no longer saying words into the darkness of my shut eyelids; it is feeling and saying, more than words, to a presence that i can feel which takes away the darkness. I know God, I want to do what He wants me to do. I freely and willingly give my life to Him, because I have seen that He uses it better than I ever could.

If you are searching for meaning or if you despise your behavior, you can have this change too. Admit your need for change, ask Jesus to forgive you for the way that you life, and ask Him to take and change your life. It is a decision you will never regret.